you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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