ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
