She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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