Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
