There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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