your thong is hanging out like whoa
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
