My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Did I show you my penis last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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