Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
