Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
