She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
