On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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