this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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