He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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