I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
