and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
