____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
