i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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