Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sorry about my life...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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