My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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