me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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