Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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