this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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