Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
