I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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