Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
