I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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