I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
