Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
