Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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