If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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