meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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