If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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