I have demons in me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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