i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
