o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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