what day is it and did you see me today?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
