This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
did i just pee glitter
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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