I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
