We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
porn star boner night. come get it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
