Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
