I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
