This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
