Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just found puke in my bra..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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