I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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