I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
