Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i think my tv is drunk
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
