I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
