Only a mothe r could love this liver
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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