I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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