have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
