while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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