all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
