the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
