I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
